~L

I never wanted to be A Writer.
I just wanted to Write.

YOU VILL SPELL ZE VERDS OR YOU VILL BE PUNISHED!

I’ve said before, I’m not the world’s best speller, and my grammar is off the mark somewhat often… but people, at least I TRY!
Every single day I’m on here reading updates, headlines and captions that would send even a 6th grade teacher into a psychotic rage! Most of the offenders are these whipper-snappers (anyone 23 & under) who are growing up with all the internet & texting abbreviations filling up more of their experience that the 10 word spelling test once a week in class. I remember a time when my biggest (vocabulary) peeve was people using ‘big’ words out of context. Now, don’t get me wrong, I’m also guilty of that (that’s why it bugs me so much, I guess) and the other things I’m talking about, but NOT TO THE EXTENT I see it now.
What adds salt to the wound is there are SPELL-CHECKER applications/add-ons/programs that sit stealthily right in your browser and empower you with the ability to learn how to spell correctly, catch a typo and not annoy the frigging crap out of the rest of us who’s brains start flashing red and making that loud, obnoxious warning alarm noise that you always hear in movies when somethings about to self-destruct or crash.
I use the Firefox browser and have the cool little Google spell-checker in it. Now, as for grammar, my Microsoft Office program has a feature for that if I write something with M.O. so I have to fend for myself while online, but again, at least I try. Just because I’m 41 doesn’t mean I quit learning.
Whipper-snappers, I have some advice, fix it now before you turn into some guy in his late 30’s who cannot even write let alone spell! Get this… THEY (yes, more than one I know) ACTUALLY GRADUATED!!! How does that happen in this day & age? How? Seriously!?
Now, I’ll say it again, I’m not perfect. I refer to something I heard about Hemingway when his editor came to him with numerous misspellings he replied ‘I’m a writer, not a fucking speller!’ and something about how that was their job to correct, lol. I don’t think he had spell check… but guess what… we do. But do fix it now before it’s an ingrained habit and you bee-bop on through life with atrocious word skills because nobody want’s to ‘embarrass you’ by pointing it out. Older people (this includes some who I am close too) it’s not too late. Get help now! A dictionary is your friend and there are hundreds of free ones online.
Now, if it’s absolutely not that important to you (yes, I know a few of these too) then by all means, continue, but be aware of how it looks from the outside, and don’t be surprised if you’re talked to like a kindergartner, spoken to slowly, tisk-tisked at, considered ’slow’ and ’special’, not taken seriously and left out of conversations.
I’ll now spend 5 minutes publishing this then re-editing it because for some reason my awesome Google spell-checker doesn’t work worth a spit on a MySpace blog while I’m creating it… only after it’s published.
And in no way am I criticizing anyone who misspells a couple of words in their blog, I mean the ppl who are just glaringly, consistently, and mercilessly slaughtering words by the dozen in every sentence!

Header…

Working on changing the header… might be a minute, I am very WP illiterate.  That bic pen just ain’t sexxy.

Unfinished

Do you ever stop and think you could actually live the rest of your life (however long or short it will be), eventually cease to exist and be ‘Unfinished’?

Things that 20 years ago lay before you waiting to be accomplished and/or experienced and here you are, pausing for a moment and that potential and passion that once was, catches up to you, making you acknowledge it did at one time exist but is now faded and catatonic, life never breathed into it. Never will be.

Now this, too, is for now, unfinished…

Wordy Words…

I have a thousand subjects/experiences/opinions/thoughts I’m eager to put down here, which is why I created this blog anyway, but there’s so much I want to start with that the words get piled on top of each other again and again, burying my once simple, planned, brief subject of the moment.  So I sit here most nights trying to force my head clear and shake down the mess of wordy words into a manageable, neat blog post.  But now here I sit just blogging about the problem of…. blogging.

Maybe I should start with disclaimers.

I am not looking for any kind of sympathy.  I’m putting all this down and together here for pretty much the same reason as anyone else does; I want to believe I am being ‘heard’.  I want to feel a part of something and leave my little mark of my collection of wordy words.

I also feel the need to leave it said and done for something inside myself. Some things need to be said, told, set free and this is for now, the only way I can ’safely’ do that (without hurting anyone’s feelings, opening worm cans, hanging out dirty laundry, etc).

I’m not looking for praise, fame, advice, criticism, debate or much conversation at all.  I’m rather anti-social in these later days.  It’s strange, I used to be so incredibly social and gregarious.  I always wanted to write down my ‘memories’ or Life Story for my daughters, so maybe this is what this is, besides also being some type of therapy journal.

I turn 41 today.  It’s a bizarre concept for me.  Strange.  I see wrinkles and grey hair, my overweight body and feel my creaking bones & other changes of age (as in my aging experience is unique to me as in I got fat, lol) but I can’t see myself as ‘41′.  I don’t know what I actually see myself as… that’s also probably what I’m working on figuring out.

Yell Quietly, plzthnx.

My Pony; Jump on It.

Now that you know the song I’m blasting through my skull (the remake by ‘Far’, not the original by Ginuwine) on my cushy headphones from my MySpace page playlist. Yes, I’m well aware that I’m 40 years old and have a MySpace. Ask me if I care what your opinion is.

Sorry ’bout the crabbiness… I’m on day 5 (FIVE, mind you) of a persistent little bugger of a migraine.  I’m waiting for some smiling, helmet haired suit-&-tie-guy with balloons and a certificate to come to my door and present me with some sort of prize for the longest consecutive migraine but something tells me I don’t hold the record… yet.

Anywho, I decided ‘Fuck It’, dark & quiet sucks poo so lemme try & blast this bitch of a headache with some therapeutic bumps (now were on ‘City 2 City’ by Tech 9 and Kotton Mouth Kings). Luckily, I’m feeling a bit better today so I can exercise my rebellious FTW or FTM (fuck the migraine) without sending myself to the ER.

On top of it all, the looming specter of my 41st Birthday is lying down next to me at night now.  2 weeks and 2 days to go. I don’t think I’ve embraced actually being 40 yet, although I’ve acknowledged and accepted it…

Song for you; and yes, I am currently listening to it from my MS page, lol. Strapping Young Lad; ‘LOVE’. Give it a listen.  It’s utterly beautiful to me.

Beard Lady

A nice young man asked a question on a forum I post on about ‘who on this forum can grow a full beard and at what age could you?’ As I mention below, I couldn’t resist answering even though I’m pretty sure the question was for the guys on the forum…

Well, what happened was I watched an episode of Oprah several years ago in which the subject was about some random individual Women’s beauty secrets and one lady said she shaved her face every day because not only did it exfoliate pretty good but her foundation make-up went on much smoother and didn’t catch & clump in her face fuzz. I’m blonde, but I’m also Scandinavian so I have a bit more face fuzz, I guess or maybe I just thought I did. Anywho, I decided to do that because my upper lip blonde fuzz always collected foundation throughout the day and looked ‘moustachy’. Well, I shaved my fuzzy cheeks too and chin… So now I’m 40 and I have to keep it up because it grows back in at all angles and doesn’t lay correctly and orderly anymore and yes, even grows longer than it was and the last few years have also added a bonus of 2 very wiry chin hairs that I must continuously pluck and one recurring such hair on my chest that I guess is a benefit of age and hormones. I’ve also been told I have hairy arms for a girl as well. I leave it, (although both my girls shave everything but their ears) it’s blonde, it keeps my arms warm, it’s useful and I don’t wear foundation on my arms so it’s not a problem. So I guess my answer would be; even at my age I still haven’t grown a full beard, which is good, but give it another 20 years and I bet I’ll have a nice goatee, but I think they have pills for that now.

2 Articles about 1 subject;

Back in the day (meaning before the election took place earlier this year) I came across these 2 articles, one from The Onion and the second from a slightly less humorous TIME article.

Why does any of this concern/interest me?

I’m one of the Struggling Lower-Class/Poor/Living in Poverty statistics.  But at least I have a sense of humor about it.  Fighting it (as I mentioned in a past Blog) doesn’t make me a joy to hang around with, I even annoy myself.

Struggling Lower-Class Still Unsure How Best To Fuck Selves With Vote

October 30, 2008

WASHINGTON—As election day nears, millions of the nation’s poorest voters have reportedly yet to settle on the most profound and enduring way to completely fuck themselves over when they head to the polls this year.

“On the one hand, I’m pretty sure Barack Obama will undermine my best interests by maintaining the same centrist, pro-corporate policies of previous Democratic administrations,” said Jim Estey, 34, a recently laid-off assembly-line worker. “Conversely, I agree with McCain and Palin on abortion, which might just balance out the fact that they’ll further marginalize people like me by supporting deregulation and slashing social programs. So it’s pretty much a toss-up at this point.”

Though such behavior appears to directly undermine their own well-being, lower-income voters have historically supported candidates determined to screw them six ways to Sunday, including Bill Clinton, who incarcerated them in record numbers and cut the welfare benefits many depended on for day-to-day sustenance, and George W. Bush, who widened the gap between them and the rich and sent thousands of them to die in Iraq. This year’s election is reportedly unique in that the nation’s poor must not only weigh how deeply and painfully their chosen candidate will penetrate their rectums, but must also consider unforeseen outside circumstances—such as economic collapse and terrorism—that might allow the next president to bend them over and brutally rape them in ways they never thought possible.

The latest polls indicate that a majority of lower-class citizens might choose not to vote at all Nov. 4, preferring instead to leave the details of how they get fucked to the moneyed classes.

http://www.theonion.com/content/news_briefs/struggling_lower_class

Left Out of the Bailout: The Poor

Tuesday, Nov. 25, 2008

As the roster of corporations and financial institutions in line for government bailouts seems to grow, some public-policy advocates in Washington are calling on policymakers to focus more efforts on the nation’s poorest. The ranks of the destitute are growing quietly but alarmingly as much of the world focuses on troubles surrounding Wall Street. “Recent data show poverty is already rising quite substantially,” says Robert Greenstein, executive director of the Center on Budget and Policy Priorities. “There is a strong potential for more hardship and destitution than we have seen in this country in a number of decades.”

Greenstein’s center released a new study on Monday projecting a sharp rise in the number of people living below the poverty line, which is roughly $21,200 annually for a family of four, according to the Department of Health and Human Services. An estimated 36.5 million Americans currently live below the poverty line, but those numbers will probably increase by as many as 10.3 million if current projections for the depth and duration of the recession hold true. According to the center’s analysis, the number of poor children will grow by as many as 3.3 million. And the number of children in deep poverty, those in families living on less than half the wages of the official poverty line, will climb by as many as 2 million. (See pictures from John Edwards’ tour of poverty-stricken America.)

Signs of the recession’s impact on America’s impoverished are increasingly apparent, Greenstein says, pointing to a dramatic rise in food-stamp caseloads in recent months. The number of people using food stamps has risen 9.6%, or roughly 2.6 million people, from August 2007 to August 2008, the last period for which data are available. Food banks around the country are reporting longer lines even as donations are falling.

By historical comparison, the expected rise in the number of impoverished in this recession is relatively normal. During the recession years of the 1980s, the number of people in poverty rose by 9.2 million, an increase of more than a third. The recession of the 1990s was not quite as deep but still increased the number of people in poverty by 6.5 million. But those falling into poverty now face harder prospects and need more government help, Greenstein says, because many social safety nets have been cut away since past economic downturns. (See pictures of the recession of 1958.)

A number of policy changes at both state and federal levels have left basic cash-assistance programs scarce, the center’s study argues. State general-assistance programs were largely eliminated across the country in the late 1980s and early ’90s, except for programs benefiting the disabled. On the federal level, only about 40% of families eligible for cash assistance under the Temporary Assistance for Needy Families program actually receive it. That is about half the percentage of families eligible for the program’s predecessor (the Aid to Families with Dependent Children program) that received benefits during the recessions of earlier decades.

President-elect Barack Obama voiced new concern over the economy on Monday when announcing picks for his White House economic team, saying a new economic-stimulus package was needed right away in addition to the ongoing efforts to pump more than $700 billion in federal rescue funds into ailing businesses like Citigroup. There was no indication how any of that round of spending will reach the growing numbers of the nation’s neediest.

http://www.time.com/time/nation/article/0,8599,1861843,00.html

Afterlife? No Thanx.

As I’ve written a bit about in previous posts, I’ve gone through quite a broad and deep transformation as far as religion and spirituality goes.

I was just sitting here surfing around totally unrelated to anything religious or spiritual and suddenly realized I might not want there to be an afterlife.  I’ve been thinking more and more that I may just not care, as long as I don’t have to be aware of living anymore, if that makes any sense.

I’ve spent 40 years trying to learn and grow as a spiritual being with the constant belief in some kind of afterlife, and that being ‘released from my earthly/flesh bonds’ would be the greatest thing to ever happen and I’d flit around the Universe in Spirit forever having a smashingly grand time.

I think I just want sleep. Rest. Shut down. Stop. Cease. End.

I want Oblivion.

Very soon.

Know Your Role…

I grew up in a Middle Class family with only one other sibling. My Dad was Air Force (then worked on base after retiring) my Mom didn’t go to work until I was around eleven, nursery work (flowers, not kids) and retail.  We lived good, but I was far from spoiled.  We never bought a ‘new’ car, only used, used the same furniture until it literally fell apart, etc.  My parents were pretty minimalist and plain of taste, only reasonably priced, but sturdy and durable, no worry about color or matching kitchen chairs or replacing the early 70’s wallpaper, wood paneling or floor tile. The one time we got new carpet it was replaced with the same color and only because thewy had considered selling briefly.  We never had a dishwashing machine or drapes that went with, well… anything. They too, were only for function and lasting power.

Anywho; with that as a background, I wondered at 16 if what I’d heard about different classes of people not really matching up together (like in all the movies) was true. I wanted to believe the movies and fairy tales. Who wouldn’t? I know now what the saying ‘Water seeks it’s own level’ really means and that no, rarely, if ever, do the classes mix in a harmonious and beneficial ecstacy.  At least no where around me.

I’d also dreamed of finding that rich, handsom prince, but at the same time, I did make my own money and rely on myself, always furthering my knowledge and growing as a person.  I’ve fallen repeatedly on hard times that have all but knocked me back to almost square one as far as finances and posessions go.  It’s happened so many times that I have recently come to believe that we are pre-destined to live in a certain ‘role’ throughout our lives.  Some get to go from nothing to wealth, some the reverse, some chug along middle class all their lives, happy as larks. Some have a wild rollercoaster ride to all extremes. Me? When I start getting too comfortable, too happy, too ‘above my station’ I get knocked back down.  I’m attempting to move against some set law in the Universe that will let me push/expand it to an extent, like the Universe does, then snaps it back in place when I attempt to step out of my place.

It makes perfect sense to me. I get it now.

I think realizing this, approxamatly a year ago, was also when I became aware that I was slipping away from my beliefs. For the first time, just 2 weeks ago, I openly admitted that I am Agnostic. That hurts in a way. I loved being a Spiritual person and all the trappings that came with it. I had felt I was growing and expanding and thinking for myself. I was raised Protestant. My Mother is Anglican/Church of England, my Dad LDS but never claimed it nor set foot in a church of any kind let alone ever said word one about his beliefs. In HS I dabbled in Satanism. Then I went completely the other way following a group of ‘Deliverance Christians’ speaking in tongues, breaking away in our own group, throwing out our concert T-shirts and my unicorn collection. Then I converted to Catholocism. Hot on the heels of that was Voudo; you can’t really be a good Voudoun unless you’re Catholic! WitchCraft (not Wicca) followed that, and there I thought I’d stay happily, until… I exceeded my Station in Life. Again. And again.  I fought it and fought it, and therein lies my problem.  Stop fighting.

Pissed off, Sleep deprived and Raising Grandbabies…

I don’t claim ‘Damage Control’ as one of my occupation for schiesses and giggles. I picked up that career when my oldest went to live with her Dad’s family.
Doesn’t look like I’ll be retiring anytime soon.
My granddaughters have been staying with C* and I the last few days. Because their mother and father both are in jail.
Again.
Now we’re faced with the very real decision of whether or not to take steps to permanently take custody of them from their obviously inept parents. These babies cannot keep living like this and watching their parents routinely being handcuffed and hauled off in a police car. Not to mention the bullshit that’s going on to bring about these  repetitive and unannounced visits from law enforcement. Days before this latest trip to the clink, she miscarried twins (she was approx 12 weeks), which, god knows, was all for the best. I know how she lost them. Well, I can’t say how 100% but I’m sure ‘his’ ‘behavior’ towards my daughter didn’t help the situation any. Thank God my grandson is somewhere else, safe from ‘him’ finally, but I would be dishonest if I didn’t place half the blame on his own mother, who not only let things happen, but contributed. I’m tired of the denying and minimizing of this entire situation. I thought after having 3 she would know how to prevent bringing more children into the world and her dysfunctional life, I can only conclude that it’s pure and utter selfishness and laziness. Which is exactly why she’s back where she is as well.
That’s a hard, painful thing for a Mother to admit about her firstborn baby. Especially after she has produced (although not under ideal circumstances) three wonderful, beautiful grandbabies.
But I have to accept it. I have to put her children, my grandchildren, ahead of all that when I see their situation deteriorating.
I will be honest. I don’t want to raise children this young again. They are 20 months and 4 and a half years old. Heck, I’m not even done raising my youngest (16, who, believe it or not, still needs her mom on occasion!) I am only 40, but I have a number of health and personal problems that would make raising another 2 difficult.
I shouldn’t have to. I think that’s what pisses me off the most. How my own daughter could keep screwing up in so many ways on so many levels leaving a holy mess for everyone else to clean up.
That’s enough for now.
I still have some work to do around the house before I can call it a night.
I’ve missed Squidbillies 2 nights in a row, dangit, too tired to stay up! I think I’ll get to see it tonight (it’s on in 15) but I’ll pay for it in the morning!