*~BlOgGiN' wHiTe TrAsH~*

Very few people publicly lay their intimate and personal secrets out for anyone to stroll by and read about, especially when it involves mental illness and/or learning disabilities, although there are a few, notable celebrity and/or higher profile individuals who have come forward and made it a little less of a dirty secret. Particularly when someone is trying to create and maintain an impression of intelligence and normalcy. For example, if I say I’ve seen a ghost, my story is taken seriously by more people whether they believe it or not, they believe I experienced something I can’t explain. Now if I say I saw a ghost and they’re aware that I am Bi-Polar (I am), they’ll most likely immediately dismiss my story entirely, believing I couldn’t be a credible and trusted witness with something like that clouding my ‘normal’ judgment and rationality. The same thing goes for other situations where if someone knew a person was autistic (I’m not) they would probably not consider them as intelligent as ‘normal’ people and that opinion would unavoidably cloud their view of everything the person had to say when discussing perceived ‘intelligent’ or ‘complicated’ and ’sophisticated’ subjects.

I’ve decided I am me, and need to accept who I am and what I am and absolutely not be bothered about what anyone else’s opinion of me and my abilities and intelligence is.  I also have grown tired of all the pretending and faking I’ve done throughout my life, trying to fit in and seem normal so as not to be viewed in a separate light as others, and by being separated, would be picked apart more.

So here, publicly but yet not, is a running list of everything we (my doctors, therapists and I) are aware of at this time. Oddly enough and even at my age, we’re still ‘discovering’ things.

When I was 16 a ‘Psychologist’ told my parent’s I had ‘no conscience’.  I was actually in a foster home at the time (that will be in a later blog) and our family and individual therapy was court ordered. He said nothing like this in front of me, in fact, I don’t remember seeing him more than twice for 30 minutes at a time, and I don’t remember seeing him as a family at all. I may have forgotten this (I forget a lot, and I remember vividly the most ridiculous and unimportant things!) and I don’t remember in detail anything we talked about!

I added this because for some reason, it’s very important to me. I resent that statement and for whatever reason it’s stuck with me and gnawed away at me for 24 years. Probably because I think my parents believe this too.

I have always known I was somehow different from most people and that I definitely thought and perceived things differently than everyone else I was around or could compare to. From the age of 4 I remember being fascinated with the ‘darker’ side of things. When I was 5 I fell in love with Vampires. I would also lead my younger Brother in archaeological-ish digs in our yard with the purpose of digging up the devil. I wanted to see Him and this Hell place. We’d hit a rock and one of us would screech ‘it’s a horn!’ my Brother would screech and jump back, I would become more excited and dig faster. At either 5 or 6 I ran away from home for the first time (I went to a friends trailer half a street up and sat on their stairs until it was full light, then came back home and snuck back to bed. Their Mom, a ’single Mother’ my parents weren’t thrilled about me taking up with her 2 girls, had answered the door woken from her sleep and told me they weren’t up yet and wouldn’t be for a while. I went back later that day and sat at her kitchen table watching her drink coffee, smoke & feed her Venus Flytrap flies. I enjoyed sitting with her because it was so different from my own Hell/home. I rarely went into their home, my parent’s didn’t approve of that.Kids just played outside from sun up til sundown, went in their own homes for lunch & dinner and never had sleep overs, although I did eventually start going to sleepovers and had one or two, they were few & far between and as time limited as possible.) at 6 I knew I didn’t belong in this World. I hated it, and most of all, I knew I wanted to be dead. So with all that mostly irrelevant information said;

THE LIST:

Bi-Polar (also known as Manic Depression)

Borderline Personality Disorder

Schizo-Affective Disorder

Dissociation Disorder (NOT the one formerly called Multiple Personalities)

Panic Attacks

Symptoms of; OCD, PTSD, Schizotypal Personality Disorder, Agoraphobia, Adult Attention Deficit Disorder, Dyslexia, Paranoid Schizophrenia.  Remember these symptoms could be created/caused from the main diagnosis’ so it’s almost redundant to keep adding names when stuff could probably be covered already. I just say I’m a DSM explosion, I got a little of almost everything all over me, and some more so, some less so than others, some missed altogether.

Physically, several of my problems I have now and am developing are a result of my weight gain and past drug use and probably, my age, 40 (12 years of erratic; as opposed to daily/steady/constant; Crystal Meth use).  My back problems, my weak bones, weak knees and developing knee problems, sleep apnea, fatigue, irritable bowel syndrome, history of ulcers/gastritis, endometriosis (I eventually had a partial hysterectomy after my 2nd Daughter was born with this as a secondary factor, the first was a prolapsed uterus. That pregnancy was a difficult one, but that’s for another blog entry.) I also have rosacea that has gotten progressively more pronounced in symptoms the last 10 years. I have a minor heart valve problem, I actually contracted Hep C (from drug use several years ago) and somehow fought it off before they put me on the medication for it, and most personally, the genital herpes I contracted from my rampantly cheating 3rd Husband in 1991. Now, I do have one of the Worlds Worst Memories and might have forgotten a thing or two, so I may have to revise this, but for now… this is it. Next blog I’ll tell you what all I take (meds) for this plethora.

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It seriously has, over the years, seemed like I was ‘collecting illnesses’ and they popped up steadily adding themselves to the list. I know there are people who are much worse off with serious, painful and horrible illnesses, but this is just me. Just my life, just my story. I just don’t want it to EVER sound like I’m seeking any kind of sympathy or pity or whining (although I do enjoy whining within reason!) or attention whoreing. I simply wish to leave something of me, who I am, what/who I was and some of my life experiences. Why? Because I can. It’s pretty much that simple. We all want to be heard and recogniozed as existing, even if it never matters to anyone else, although, being of some positive influence from something one says is always a bonus.