I grew up in a Middle Class family with only one other sibling. My Dad was Air Force (then worked on base after retiring) my Mom didn’t go to work until I was around eleven, nursery work (flowers, not kids) and retail. We lived good, but I was far from spoiled. We never bought a ‘new’ car, only used, used the same furniture until it literally fell apart, etc. My parents were pretty minimalist and plain of taste, only reasonably priced, but sturdy and durable, no worry about color or matching kitchen chairs or replacing the early 70’s wallpaper, wood paneling or floor tile. The one time we got new carpet it was replaced with the same color and only because thewy had considered selling briefly. We never had a dishwashing machine or drapes that went with, well… anything. They too, were only for function and lasting power.
Anywho; with that as a background, I wondered at 16 if what I’d heard about different classes of people not really matching up together (like in all the movies) was true. I wanted to believe the movies and fairy tales. Who wouldn’t? I know now what the saying ‘Water seeks it’s own level’ really means and that no, rarely, if ever, do the classes mix in a harmonious and beneficial ecstacy. At least no where around me.
I’d also dreamed of finding that rich, handsom prince, but at the same time, I did make my own money and rely on myself, always furthering my knowledge and growing as a person. I’ve fallen repeatedly on hard times that have all but knocked me back to almost square one as far as finances and posessions go. It’s happened so many times that I have recently come to believe that we are pre-destined to live in a certain ‘role’ throughout our lives. Some get to go from nothing to wealth, some the reverse, some chug along middle class all their lives, happy as larks. Some have a wild rollercoaster ride to all extremes. Me? When I start getting too comfortable, too happy, too ‘above my station’ I get knocked back down. I’m attempting to move against some set law in the Universe that will let me push/expand it to an extent, like the Universe does, then snaps it back in place when I attempt to step out of my place.
It makes perfect sense to me. I get it now.
I think realizing this, approxamatly a year ago, was also when I became aware that I was slipping away from my beliefs. For the first time, just 2 weeks ago, I openly admitted that I am Agnostic. That hurts in a way. I loved being a Spiritual person and all the trappings that came with it. I had felt I was growing and expanding and thinking for myself. I was raised Protestant. My Mother is Anglican/Church of England, my Dad LDS but never claimed it nor set foot in a church of any kind let alone ever said word one about his beliefs. In HS I dabbled in Satanism. Then I went completely the other way following a group of ‘Deliverance Christians’ speaking in tongues, breaking away in our own group, throwing out our concert T-shirts and my unicorn collection. Then I converted to Catholocism. Hot on the heels of that was Voudo; you can’t really be a good Voudoun unless you’re Catholic! WitchCraft (not Wicca) followed that, and there I thought I’d stay happily, until… I exceeded my Station in Life. Again. And again. I fought it and fought it, and therein lies my problem. Stop fighting.
I don’t claim ‘Damage Control’ as one of my occupation for schiesses and giggles. I picked up that career when my oldest went to live with her Dad’s family.
Doesn’t look like I’ll be retiring anytime soon.
My granddaughters have been staying with C* and I the last few days. Because their mother and father both are in jail.
Again.
Now we’re faced with the very real decision of whether or not to take steps to permanently take custody of them from their obviously inept parents. These babies cannot keep living like this and watching their parents routinely being handcuffed and hauled off in a police car. Not to mention the bullshit that’s going on to bring about these repetitive and unannounced visits from law enforcement. Days before this latest trip to the clink, she miscarried twins (she was approx 12 weeks), which, god knows, was all for the best. I know how she lost them. Well, I can’t say how 100% but I’m sure ‘his’ ‘behavior’ towards my daughter didn’t help the situation any. Thank God my grandson is somewhere else, safe from ‘him’ finally, but I would be dishonest if I didn’t place half the blame on his own mother, who not only let things happen, but contributed. I’m tired of the denying and minimizing of this entire situation. I thought after having 3 she would know how to prevent bringing more children into the world and her dysfunctional life, I can only conclude that it’s pure and utter selfishness and laziness. Which is exactly why she’s back where she is as well.
That’s a hard, painful thing for a Mother to admit about her firstborn baby. Especially after she has produced (although not under ideal circumstances) three wonderful, beautiful grandbabies.
But I have to accept it. I have to put her children, my grandchildren, ahead of all that when I see their situation deteriorating.
I will be honest. I don’t want to raise children this young again. They are 20 months and 4 and a half years old. Heck, I’m not even done raising my youngest (16, who, believe it or not, still needs her mom on occasion!) I am only 40, but I have a number of health and personal problems that would make raising another 2 difficult.
I shouldn’t have to. I think that’s what pisses me off the most. How my own daughter could keep screwing up in so many ways on so many levels leaving a holy mess for everyone else to clean up.
That’s enough for now.
I still have some work to do around the house before I can call it a night.
I’ve missed Squidbillies 2 nights in a row, dangit, too tired to stay up! I think I’ll get to see it tonight (it’s on in 15) but I’ll pay for it in the morning!
Wendy O. Williams’ suicide note;
The act of taking my own life is not something I am doing without a lot of thought. I don’t believe that people should take their own lives without deep and thoughtful reflection over a considerable period of time. I do believe strongly, however, that the right to do so is one of the most fundamental rights that anyone in a free society should have. For me much of the world makes no sense, but my feelings about what I am doing ring loud and clear to an inner ear and a place where there is no self, only calm.
Love always,
Wendy
She died April 6/1998
If you don’t know who she is, remember, Google is your friend!
