this is the second year in a row that I haven’t wanted to put up any Christmas decorations, not even a single string of lights. Actually, it’s the second year I haven’t decorated for Halloween either. I used to LIVE for Halloween, and decorating for Christmas was a wonderful, glittering, colorful, blinking array of Holiday happiness flashing, sparkling and chiming the bitter cold, dreary darkened days and dirty slush and back aching shoveling & back breaking ice away for a few weeks every winter.
I wonder how many other people are like me. I celebrate Christmas, it’s not a religious thing, but I just haven’t felt the desire to decorate for it. And I don’t miss it. Yes, some of it is depression, I am manic-depressive and winter always makes the depression seem heavier and stickier inside me. But something else is going on that I just don’t understand yet, why is it so easy for me to just not care or even miss having all my years of collected Christmas themed items decorating the house?
…I’m just very empty and have nothing for anyone else.
The following was written by me on or about New Years Eve 0f 2006-2007.
I do not belong here. Anywhere?
I am not comfortable here.
I am not accepted here.
I am not understood here.
I am not wanted here.
I am barely needed here.
I am merely tolerated here.
I am mostly sad here.
I am not happy here.
I am not doing any real job here.
I am not listened to here.
I am not appreciated here.
I am ignored a lot here.
I would not be missed here.
Only briefly. It wouldn’t leave any permanent change to anything or anyone.
I do not feel loved here.
I do not feel safe here.
I do not feel whole here.
I have really tried.
I have done what I could.
I have asked for help, for guidance, for hope for a sign, a way, a light, an idea, for faith, to believe, to understand.
I’ve searched, I’ve dug, read, pondered, dreamed, thought, wrote, talked, listened, begged, screamed, silenced, meditated, divined, wandered, prayed. I’ve gave all I could- gave it up to god- nothing. I have nothing to help me.
I am tired.
I am so very tired of being tired.
I am alone. I am lonely.
I love more than I am loved.
It is draining me.
It is drowning me.
I try so hard to make the right choice, they are always wrong.
They don’t work out, they backfire, they collapse, they complicate.
I can’t do anything right.
This is my whole life. Since I was an ugly child and understood that.
I saw I did not belong here. I did not belong anywhere.
I felt it.
I cannot help anyone, even tho I try and I really do want to.
It is always wrong.
I have brought 2 children into the world who do not need me and have not learned anything I have tried and had hoped with all my heart to teach them. I thought they were my purpose for being here. I was wrong.
They mostly feel burdened by me and my problems and my looks and my life and what I am & what I have become. I am not good enough for them. I haven’t given them what they want for (in) life. I have only made their lives bad because I am fat, unattractive, poor, mentally ill; I repeatedly picked the wrong men to be with and made it worse. I am a loser. Nothing I do makes ANYONES life better or happier.
If I sell every single thing I have… Instead of never having money, for them- maybe they would finally get something from me (being gone)?
MONEY DOES BUY HAPPINESS. It does buy some form of peace and stability.
I am already alone.
Won’t hurt to really BE alone. Everyone WILL be better off.
Only my selfish missing them is what is in the way-
My selfish thinking that I had something to teach and pass on to my girls and now my grandchildren is all that has kept me here.
I was wrong. I have nothing to teach.
I love dogs. I have always wanted my own. I have tried to have my own. Even they don’t enjoy my company all that much. I do not feel them happy with me nor content, they are just there, I am just there, to them. I am not anything special. They could take or leave me. They would- if they could, pick someone else to be with over me- I am not theirs. It’s been this way with all the pets/animals I have had or tried to have. Perhaps they too know what my own children and family know and others around me who are unfortunate enough to know me.
That I would make wrong choices for them. That I cannot take care of them properly. I made them a promise to be responsible for them that I cannot keep and it is very unfair to them that I have subjected them to my financial, emotional hell. Made them also, victims of my poverty and hopelessness.
Men have no luck when around me.
It is strange how they have jobs, money, cars, lifestyles, etc. before & after me…but not with me. I must stop being blind to this.
Their families have never even accepted me nor wanted to. Even they see it and they tell them; she is ruining you, get away from her. You will be okay when you are away from her.
I am bad luck? I stifle life? Is this what I am doing to my kids too?
Can I stop this by going away?
What kind of curse is this and why could I not see it before I involved my babies in it?
Something DID try to tell me when I was 13. I did not listen. I should have! I should have! I SHOULD have! Standing on the beautiful cliffs of Cromer, on the East Coast of England, facing the North Sea, something told me, and I of course, made the wrong choice and failed to listen. This is my punishment. It would have been like flying. It’s just like flying. I should have listened and I should have let go. I would have just been flying. Maybe I could still fly? I’ve wasted all this time and space. I wasn’t even supposed to be here. I screwed up; maybe that’s why I’m cursed now. I didn’t listen. Now I’m paying for that. And part of the punishment is watching my children suffer and maybe telling me to get the fucking hint already.
Will my pain of trying to be a ‘normal’ person and not able to- go away? And all the bad luck and bad life I make on people I am around go away?
It is entirely mean and selfish of me to stay here and think it will change.
It has been 38 and (over) half years-
It is not going to change.
What am I deluding myself thinking?
I cannot force people to learn about and try & understand me & my problems- what good will it do them anyway?
I’ve already fucked up their lives enough anyway.
Because if they cared they would desire to learn.
They do not care.
Because I am not worth it. I am too bad to them. I bother them or mess up their lives, so the less they have to involve themselves with me, the easier their lives are.
They are forced to, to some extent, so they flee when they can.
