Posts Tagged ‘Grandbabies’
I don’t claim ‘Damage Control’ as one of my occupation for schiesses and giggles. I picked up that career when my oldest went to live with her Dad’s family.
Doesn’t look like I’ll be retiring anytime soon.
My granddaughters have been staying with C* and I the last few days. Because their mother and father both are in jail.
Again.
Now we’re faced with the very real decision of whether or not to take steps to permanently take custody of them from their obviously inept parents. These babies cannot keep living like this and watching their parents routinely being handcuffed and hauled off in a police car. Not to mention the bullshit that’s going on to bring about these repetitive and unannounced visits from law enforcement. Days before this latest trip to the clink, she miscarried twins (she was approx 12 weeks), which, god knows, was all for the best. I know how she lost them. Well, I can’t say how 100% but I’m sure ‘his’ ‘behavior’ towards my daughter didn’t help the situation any. Thank God my grandson is somewhere else, safe from ‘him’ finally, but I would be dishonest if I didn’t place half the blame on his own mother, who not only let things happen, but contributed. I’m tired of the denying and minimizing of this entire situation. I thought after having 3 she would know how to prevent bringing more children into the world and her dysfunctional life, I can only conclude that it’s pure and utter selfishness and laziness. Which is exactly why she’s back where she is as well.
That’s a hard, painful thing for a Mother to admit about her firstborn baby. Especially after she has produced (although not under ideal circumstances) three wonderful, beautiful grandbabies.
But I have to accept it. I have to put her children, my grandchildren, ahead of all that when I see their situation deteriorating.
I will be honest. I don’t want to raise children this young again. They are 20 months and 4 and a half years old. Heck, I’m not even done raising my youngest (16, who, believe it or not, still needs her mom on occasion!) I am only 40, but I have a number of health and personal problems that would make raising another 2 difficult.
I shouldn’t have to. I think that’s what pisses me off the most. How my own daughter could keep screwing up in so many ways on so many levels leaving a holy mess for everyone else to clean up.
That’s enough for now.
I still have some work to do around the house before I can call it a night.
I’ve missed Squidbillies 2 nights in a row, dangit, too tired to stay up! I think I’ll get to see it tonight (it’s on in 15) but I’ll pay for it in the morning!
My three amazing Grandbabies. I’ve loved you before I even met you, and it only grows just as you do.
Transcend the dark and acrid; embrace love, honesty, family, truth and happiness.
We are bound together in blood, love, spirit and mind. My heart beats with the same strength and rhythm and soul that helped create your own.
I will always be here when you need me.
Gods and Angels watch over and protect you, listen to them, when they say ‘Yaya loves you’, and you smile, my heart will feel it no matter where we are, how near, how far.
Yaya LOVES & ADORES You!
Copied/re-posted here from my MS blog;
Just a few words to check in, unfortunately, I haven’t died or been kidnapped by aliens. I am very rarely on here (MS) these days, and even less so on FB (yes, I finally caved in and made a FB page… still dunno why, since everyone is already on here…?) anywho, I’ve been fighting this damned Seasonal Depression I get and am actually doing better than in past years (which is a task, since I’m car-less and have been unanesthetically severed from contact with my beloved Grandson, and since breaking my arm in Feb. I’ve developed a healthy fear of ICE! I’ve already slipped twice, luckily didn’t fall, but in the process of trying not to fall I wrenched my back pretty good, which, of course, is already messed up!) so I’m surprised I’m doing as well as I am, but I’m doing it.
Most of the reason for my absence online is the situation with my wonderful friend Tony. I’ve known him since High School. Several years ago, we found out he was ill. Liver disease (genetic problem) and had some other health issues. Just over 3 years ago he was told his liver disease was terminal, and he was not able to be a candidate for a transplant. They gave him 6 months to 2 years. He’s obviously still here and has done remarkably well, but it has finally caught up with him. 3 months ago he turned for the worse and is now in ‘end stage liver disease’. He is being taken care of at home (for as long as possible) by a wonderful hospice center. He is on constant Morphine and several other meds, is set up comfortably in a hospital bed in his living room and is happily, still with us. He is mostly bed-ridden and must use a walker to get up, but he can still get up, although I’ve noticed over the last weeks those occasions becoming drastically fewer and far between, and much shorter. It’s hard for me to get to him as often as I’d like, and I don’t think its right for me to take time from his Sister’s schedule to have her run me back & forth, so I go when I can. His Sister is just amazing! She works 2 jobs and is staying at Tony’s full time. Even Tony’s ex-Mother-in-law jumped in to help and dedicate her time to staying with him. He’s had some scares with his breathing at night, and any falls would be seriously dangerous for him. He does have oxygen and has days where he needs it. The last time estimate was for 6 weeks, then again, 3 months ago they gave him 2 weeks to 2 months, so we’re doing the best we can with all the time we have with him. He’s hoping to at least make it to New Years, I say spring. Then again, I’ve always been overly optimistic.
I spend a lot of time thinking about this whole ‘death’ thing. This will be 3 people close to me in 3 years. My Brother-in-law in May of ‘06 (shot & killed), my Dad in May of ‘07 (massive brain stem stroke, after living with Crohn’s disease and surviving prostate cancer) and now Tony.
I need to know where they go/have gone. It’s an obsession to me now. I need to understand this process and all the details and of course, I can’t. But I’m still searching.
Along with things going on with Tony, I also realized I’ve been losing interest in MS ever since the ongoing situation with my Beloved Grandson began. My Mother wisely cautioned me that things didn’t sound good from the get-go and I was on a one way trip to getting my heart broken.
I’ll tell you this, nothing compares.
Getting your heart broken over your own kids is bad enough, but it happens. Falling madly, joyfully and completely in love with your first born Grandchild (and so far, the only boy) was all consuming and intoxicating! I was involved with caring for him since the moment I knew he was growing in my daughters’ belly. You know, making sure she ate right, stayed back far enough from the microwave while it was on, went to her Dr. appointments, checked all the recall lists before buying his car seat, I even shaved down both of my dogs before he was born so the hair would be easier to clean up/deal with. It’s safe to say I worshiped that darling little boy. And still do. I could go on for pages and pages and pages about all I’ve done for him, and it still wasn’t enough. When his Sister, N*, was born, everyone was at the hospital with S* & M*… except me and D*. He and I were cuddled in bed, holding hands, which is how he always had to fall asleep. I wouldn’t trade anything for that time with him. N* knows I love the stuffing out of her, and she adores her big brother, I’d bet my last dollar she’s fine with me being with him as long as both of us were happy.
Some of you, who know me best, know I’m not a very happy person. D* is the main reason for most of those moments of happiness that I’ve experienced the last 5 and a half years. He is perfect. He is and always will be my Grandson.
I unfortunately misplaced my trust in some other people. They’ve turned out to be unstable, false and self-serving with their motives, when I had nothing but D*’s health, safety and stability in my agenda, even to the point of surpassing my daughters for his.
These people have taken it upon themselves to deny me contact with D*.
If D* and I had no relationship or he didn’t know me, or he didn’t really like me, it would be understandable, but I have hours of video of him and me and the depth of our relationship. I have the tapes and pictures out where I can see them, but I haven’t been able to look at them. It hurts too much right now.
There was a time when my daughter questioned giving him up for adoption… (You can do that in Utah without father’s consent) guess who was going to take him…?
We don’t even send (by ‘we’ I mean myself, C* and my Mother) him gifts, cards or money because of the horrible things we’ve heard about them not letting him have the stuff or telling him where & whom it came from. We can’t even talk to him on the phone to ask if he received anything. The last thing my Mother sent was a check, and RUDELY, nobody has even bothered to make a simple call, send an email or a note and let us know he received the $ and what they bought for him (he’s in Hawaii, so it’s smarter to send $ and let them spend it all on him, than to buy something cheaper and use perfectly good toy money for shipping 
!
That crap is just rude. Didn’t anyone teach them any manners at least? My Mom lost my Dad last year, they both really loved their great-grandbabies and were so proud of them, but now dads gone, mom has realized (as we all have) how precious family is and doesn’t want to waste any opportunities concerning them, and this situation is hurting her, which in turn makes me furious! I’ve found myself becoming very protective; emotionally of her now Dad’s gone.
I just don’t understand why some people get their rocks off playing god with other peoples family structures, relationships and bonds. It’s wrong.
They won’t even attempt to discuss this situation like a (oh, I just solved that) normally adjusted (as opposed to dysfunctional and immature) adult. D* came with a family. He came with all of us and you can’t just throw us out or wish us away. That’s the wrong thing to do for D* too! He came with a huge, loving and DEVOTED family; you shouldn’t be trying to destroy a part of him. You should have learned by others experiences, situations like this never turn out good when someone tries to control a child like a puppy or something they own, instead of accepting who he is and who his family is and doing your best to allow him to continue to have the important and meaningful relationships. We spent so much time making sure D* knew who his dad and extended family were and trying to encourage and maintain contact between you all, phone calls and pictures and trying to arrange visits…
Anywho, MS reminds me of my forced distancing from my D*. For some reason (again, they won’t talk to me like rational adults) I am the only one singled out to be excluded from his life.
They even hung the phone up on us when I got on to talk to D* during a call with his Mother a few months ago. How upsetting and confusing was that for D* to have to experience? The things he tells us (those of us that can talk to him) are disturbing. I’m worried sick about him.
When they decided to ‘cut me off’ from D*, they had just made him a MS page so we could see his pictures, etc. I logged on every day so excited to see what he was up to…
Then they started this deal and deleted & blocked me.
Well, I’m going to get myself through the Holidays, with Tony and my family here. I’m so worried about my Mom, we were with her last year, but can’t make it there this year. Then I’ll have to let you all know what’s really going on. I have a shining example to share of misplacing your faith in someone. Lets expose them for what they really are then we can look back and see if we’re acting on hatred and anger or acting like responsible adults and respecting someone for not only being blood related to someone, but a feeling, knowing, human being.
Speaking of blood related, I think that’s what makes it more painful to me, and someone that isn’t in this situation (or doesn’t have any compassion & understanding capabilities) may not understand is that on this entire planet, my 2 girls and my 3 grandbabies are all I have as far as genetic, blood relatives. I was adopted, given up at birth. Never have been able to find a birth mother nor any other relatives and most likely won’t ever. My family tree starts with me. And the babies are all I have that I can claim contributing to their lives for. I know absolutely nothing about my background, but I have them.
*I should have put a warning at the top; I took on of my pain pills earlier for my back, thinking I would type a short, quick few words to post on MS explaining why I’m never on there anymore and go to bed… as you can see,it’s not short or quick. I apoligize for my muddled and almost non-understandable rambling and babbling!
My three amazing Grandbabies. I’ve loved you before I even met you, and it only grows just as you do.
Transcend the dark and acrid; embrace love, honesty, family, truth and happiness.
We are bound to you in blood, love, spirit and mind. My heart beats with the same strength and rhythm and soul that helped create your own.
I will always be here when you need me.
Gods and Angels watch over and protect you, listen to them, when they say ‘Yaya loves you’, and you smile, my heart will feel it no matter where we are, how near, how far.
I wrote this when my First and now oldest Grandchild moved out of State to live with his Father, he was 4 and a half. He was and is the only boy, I also have 2 Granddaughters. I see them. All the blessed time. I haven’t seen him since May of this year (‘08) and because of a situation I will elaborate on in another entry, I cannot and have not spoken to him since then. Only heard his sweet, angelic voice over my Daughters’ cell phone speaker.
I wrote this freethought (what I call it; you’ll soon pick up that I don’t give a whoopsie about ‘rules’ and ‘structure’ when it comes to my writing.)
11/18/2007 12:33 am
My heart is breaking. I just want my heart to stop hurting and my head to stop talking… It feels like I’m screaming in my head and it won’t stop, (its constant, constant, waking, sleeping, thinking, not thinking…screaming, screaming, screaming like background music, a soundtrack that has no beginning, no end, no pauses, just goes on and on) and at the same time I’m trying to convince myself that everything is okay and calm & reassure myself. But I can’t let it do that because what if that’s NOT what D* feels? I can’t not feel upset if he’s upset, that would be betraying his heart and my heart and loyalty and love to him. Betraying my blood. My soul. So even if my heart stopped hurting and my head stopped the talking and screaming, maybe that would be more disturbing to me. I would be not being vigilant for him and his feelings… does that make sense? I have to feel what he feels, or I’m evil and bad and don’t love him like I should.
I have cried every day. I cried before he was even gone. Three days before. I woke up in the middle of the night and just lost it. I couldn’t wake J* up, I woke C* up but that just upset her, I almost even called my mom at almost 2am! I couldn’t just deal with it on my own like I usually can.
My heart feels like its being ripped out, cut out, stolen, gouged, torn at, something, I don’t know. It hurts so strangely from what I have felt before, Its like its burning and I can’t put anything on it to put it out! How horrible and evil and wicked and torturous this feeling is! THIS IS HELL. Hell is not a place, its THIS FEELING! I would rather be betrayed a thousand times by a man than have this pain in my heart and soul and under my flesh tightening around every cell of me and strangling me.
I know one thing, even death would not take this kind of pain away.
Not even death would take it.
I love you, D*****. I love you, I love you, I love you.
Addendum:
12/3/2008
It’s been over a year since I wrote this. Since he left.
It’s still so true, every word.
Yes, it has lowered in intensity so it’s not at the front of my brain blinding out everything else, but it’s there still, fist pounding, screaming, nail clawing at the back of my eyes almost, it’s just that I’ve learned how to drown it out with outside distractions. Film, audio, scent, alcohol, others’ voices. My own voice. In still and silence of Night, my own voice is at once my worst enemy and best friend.
As usual.
