Only Tony himself, my (estranged) husband and maybe one or two other ppl who ‘know’ me would appreciate that title.
Considering the current state of things…
So I spent the entire weekend at Tony’s, because obviously, we don’t want him to be alone. He is being taken care of by a wonderful set of nurses and hospice, but the majority of his time is being in the company of his sister (he is still living at his own home, the nurses only come a few times a week), although there are other wonderful family members and one or 2 friends who take a turn hangin’ out with Lord Anthony.
He is in bed full time now. He does get up to use the bathroom and wander (with his wheeled walker) into the kitchen to grab a quick snack, but I’m afraid even those brief trips are going to end very soon. He’s done remarkably well, considering. 4 years ago when they told him he was terminal, they gave him 6 months to 2 years, and when he took this latest down turn in approx September and was told he was officially in End Stage Liver Failure, they gave him 2 weeks to 2 months. He himself didn’t expect to make it to Xmas; I told him at least the New Year, then he decided he wanted to see the New Year, and so he has. I think he’s simply worn out at this point though. He’s just tired. He used to be several inches taller than me, now he’s a couple of inches shorter than me.
He had a good weekend, blessedly. He’d had a few bad days before that, which is how he seems to go, a few bad days, a few good days, but each cycle takes a little more out of him.
We had a good weekend, pizza (although he kept trying to fall asleep in his) movies, ghost hunting and crime TV shows, talking and laughing, getting up at 5am, drinking a pot of coffee & eating pancakes then going back to bed til one, lol. Oh, and trying to find the perfect virtual fireplace screensaver, and a free one at that. No, we didn’t find one. I tried out a few then uninstalled them after annoying pop up ads kept obscuring the crackling fires… I think maybe we were too picky about our fireplace too… oh well, we spent a couple of hours enjoying each others company over that so it was worth it. Toby went with me the first night; he’s gone loopy in the head these days, he kept growling at every strange noise and faint bump or child’s screech from the other apartments, and with Tony trying to sleep a good portion of the day, that’s not too productive, especially when Toby’s laying on Tony’s bed and growling, at least when he’s next to me I can put a pillow over him… and press down, ever so slightly… I’m just kidding. I love my neurotic Toblerone. The first night, Toby continued his freaking out, especially when the neighbors finally went to bed (Tony’s hospital bed is in the living room, so I sleep in his room) and we could hear ‘romantic’ noises coming from behind the wall, good lord, I don’t know what that guy takes, but Toby was wigging out half the night. After a few hours of sleep, whoever next door, falls or something (this is how we woke up) and it sounded like someone fell down a flight of stairs, long, loud, drawn out falling & bumping & banging & crashing & thumping… Tony’s jumping out of his skin, and after all that racket, I hear from the other side of the wall a male voice, very bored sounding, say ‘ow’.
Toby stayed with C* over here the next night. And would you believe, Tony & I spent that whole next day wondering why Toby was being so quiet…? Tony even asked me at one point if I had to take Toby out to potty because I hadn’t taken him out in a while, he threw me off for a minute and I was wandering around looking for the dang dog!
Anywho, now I have a Blight kitty laying on my mouse pad, her butt keeps bumping the mouse, and despite all the goofing off & sitting around watching movies with Tony I did, I’m worn out so I’m actually going to bed before 4am tonight.
I just had to share a little. It makes me feel better. I don’t write alot or include a lot of detail because it’s just too raw and difficult right now.
I still think it’s better to be able to say goodbye and spend some time together. I couldn’t do that with my Dad. There was a lot (A LOT) that I wish could have been dealt with but never will be, and so, I must deal with not being able to deal.
Why is it always a ‘Dad issue’? Thank you, Austin Powers.
Goodnight, Tony.
Over the last few days Tony has developed pneumonia.
I don’t have to tell you what that means.
He’s been sleeping almost constantly. He talks in his sleep. Words you can’t understand, but he’s having conversations, I believe with whomever will be helping him cross over, some of his family believe this too. How could you not when while he’s been awake, he’s told us details of ‘visitors’ he’s had, describing family members he’s never seen. And everyone has heard the footsteps in the hall, the whispering of ones own name, and just tonight, the front door, under an unknown force, opening quite deliberately and to a wide berth, then stopping firm, followed by an electric chill distinctly separate from the wintry weather outdoors that even after the door was shut tight up again by a puzzled family member, had crossed the room and concentrated itself next to Tony’s bed where he lay sleeping. His only reaction? His breathing pattern changed.
We wish we could see, but it must be just between them. We wonder who it was and what they came for… just to sit beside him like he’s told us has happened before (that someone has come in and sat beside him on his bed)? Did they have some important words for him or we’re they just unseen visitors come to check in on him briefly like the endless stream of family and friends.
When it’s my turn, I’ll have my answers.
Whatever it is, whoever they are, please take good care of him when he’s with you.
I told Tony or actually ‘warned’ him that the next time I came over we were going to ‘have the talk’ about if we had any ‘unfinished’ or ‘unsaid’ business between us. He and I have a rare opportunity many people would pay untold amounts for, to be able to say everything we need to say to each other before he departs to the great beyond be it Tír na nÓg, Elysium, Valhalla, Aaru, Nirvana, Svarga, Valinor or Summerland.
My point was to make sure he knew that as far as our relationship goes, he had never done anything wrong, in fact, the only problem we ever had was because of a mutual friend of ours that I no longer have anything to do with and even that could have even been avoided (my bad).
Tony never did anything unbecoming of a perfect gentleman and a perfect friend during our years of friendship. I had hoped to be of some comfort to him, helping him feel (as he is) blameless and proud of who he has been to me as a friend and more. My goal was to be the one comforting and assuring him… didn’t do so good. True to Tony form, he ended up being the one comforting me. By the end of our conversation I was bawling all over him… I kept trying not to cry; I didn’t want to upset him, I didn’t want to go all weird and emotional on him. I take my job visiting/talking with Tony to be more keeping things humorous & silly and away from the serious, emotional stuff, since he has more than enough of that to deal with. I’m more comic relief, I just had to make sure he knew how I felt and what he’s meant to me, but like he said, he knows all that. And I know he know’s what I said was more for my own peace of mind than his. The only unfinished business I’ll have concerning Tony is why someone as wonderful as he is, is being taken away from us.
